For some, this is outright blasphemy. For some, this goes against the whole "me-me-me" direction of blogo-social-tweeting networks. Instant drivel, served up fresh every 10 minutes. Or less.
I treat this more as a journal. One that I leave open for fellow travelers to read. If you like it, fine. If you don't like it, fine. Feel free to give your opinions. Realize, however, that I already have an opinion and as a result may not require yours.
I am a trans woman in her mid fifties. I am in the early stages of transition and as a result, if I do not apply the requisite chemicals, compounds, cremes and dyes, and then dress in an overtly feminine fashion, I may appear as the other gender to the casual observer. However, once you get to know me even casually in the au natural form you will realize that the male appearance is the deception.
I was born with an intersex condition; however, I appeared sufficiently marked by XY chromosomes to make a determination of gender. It was hoped that I would "grow out of it" - the "it" being a disfigurement of my genitalia. My parents never told me about this - I learned it in the hardest way possible at age 12, in a school locker room. Needless to say, I didn't "grow out of it." I might go into the gory details later, or not. Suffice it to say that it was not a pleasant experience, and a hellish puberty. I did have a wonderful early childhood, but things got worse as I got older - way worse. I was never really a boy, but I developed what I thought was a "male" persona around age 14 for the sole purpose of survival.
Repression of an idea, an identity, of your soul, is not a healthy thing. It creates an uneasiness about you, which allows disease to occur (dis-ease literally meaning "unease"). My disease manifested as diabetes in my early twenties. My selection in genetic material was also poor - everybody in my family going back 2 generations and forward 1 has some form of diabetes. However, due to a variety of circumstances, I was not diagnosed with diabetes until it had been going on for 10 years, unchecked (no money, no medical insurance - guess my stance on universal health care). As a result, I had developed complications, which I deal with every day.
The diagnosis of my diabetes was an epiphany. I went through the usual steps - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It took me almost 5 years to do that, and it triggered the release of all of those unhappy memories I had been storing up. I spent a decade and a half working backwards through the unhappiness, until I got back to the happy time in my life. And then I realized what the problem was.
I was not male. I never was male. Being male was a mask I put on at age 14 so that the torture would stop. And at age 40, the weight of that mask was beginning to kill me.
So my realization of my true gender has taken a long time. Too long to suit me, but despite a 140 IQ I can be a slow learner. However, the length of time that it took to get here means that I am very certain of my decisions and my choices.
Yes, I am a transsexual. Hated and reviled by some, because I represent the most feared thought that can pass through somebody's mind: there might be more than two types of gender.
"But it can't be! It's black or white! This or that! I have a book that says that (if I read it my way). Your science is bad. You're evil. Science is evil. Your doctors don't know what they are talking about. My parents told me there was just boy or girl. They didn't lie to me, they were experts. You're wrong. I know sex. I've been one sex all of my life. I don't feel that way, so you can't. Go to hell. I'll drive you there. In fact, I'll kill you so you can go there sooner. It's all a choice. You are choosing this. You are choosing to be a 5th class citizen, to be un/underemployed, to be discriminated against, to have no legal rights, to make finding true love nearly impossible. Yes, you are choosing that out of selfish greed or sin. It's not natural. You're crazy. I have another book that says so."
Yes, there are more than two types of gender. In fact, gender is a continuum - nobody is 100% male or female. 80% in any category is as "absolute" as it gets. And I'm only talking about one small portion of gender. There are a multitude of categories and factors that determine what we call "gender," and each one of those is a continuum too. Just think - with just 3 primary colors - red, green, blue, and the ability to raise the intensity on each from full darkness to full light in 256 steps, we can create 16,777,216 colors. How many genders are there when there are 7 sliders? Or 12? One consensus is that there are eight. That would amount to 18,446,744,073,709,600,000 possible variants in gender. More variants than there are people on the planet. We can accept that all people are different. Why not accept that all of those people's genders are different as well?
We make up artificial constructs to make this easier - but they are artificial constructs, and eventually they all get discarded. The world is no longer flat. The earth is no longer the center of the universe. When these ideas became patently ridiculous (even though they too, were backed by books), they were discarded. New, frightening concepts of the limitless and infinite took their place. Scary stuff.
I, along with my intersexed and transsexual sisters and brothers, are living proof of the folly of these artificial constructs. I might agree that being intersexed/transsexual is a difficult concept to grasp. It's harder to live, believe me. I might find that your difficulty to accept me is understandable, and realize that you go ballistic merely trying to reconcile the concept: unfairly blaming me, the result of nature, for the problem you have in accepting a new way of thinking.
But how do you explain intersexed people? XY men with apparent vaginas? XX women with apparent penises? Or those with XXY, XYY, X0 chromosomes and all points and variations in-between? None of these people altered their bodies surgically (at least not until they got out of the womb). In no way can you say that it's all a result of "confusion" or "choice." And if human beings are naturally created with genital variations that are out of sync with the chromosomes, what makes the brain exempt from the same variations? Or any other part of the body.
For the faithful: didn't God make us too, as we are and not as you wish us to be? I didn't choose to be disfigured. I didn't choose to be the wrong gender. I did choose to act like a male - but that was an act of desperation to avoid being harmed. It wasn't natural. It was not how I was born, as God made me - He made me different than you. Acting male was a choice I made to avoid being killed by people. And the others of my kind, the intersexed and transsexuals were born into the same predicament. Created that way by God, so that we could be tested. (I just guaranteed that I'll get feedback now!!)
If you are still reading, you are either accepting me, or furiously looking through a book so that you can discredit me, or try to cure me of my "confusion."
If you are willing to accept who I am, I am willing to accept you, as you are. The only condition is that you be sentient and capable of understanding semi-intelligent discourse. Read what I post - go on and waste, er, spend some time reading this. Or not.
For those that want to "save," "cure," or institutionalize me, or "protect their children" from me, I bid you peace. May you find the love and happiness that is missing from your lives, so that you may live without fear. But leave of your own accord. I do not wish your "miracles."
For those I have not completely alienated, welcome. The others have left by now. Let's create the secret handshake and password!!
Namaste to all.
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